sorrow

Thinking back on growing up, it's strange to notice what highlights I've picked. Always, once I've posted something, a half dozen new memories will rush into my head. They're just as important as any. Yet they become hidden. There's more to come about my adult years... maybe. Just now, I'm too grief stricken to commemorate events.

Loss comes in many forms. I've lost my job... twice in the last three years. I've lost my spouse. Soon, I will lose my family and friends. They are all still there, but I'm placing 600 miles between myself and them... all for what? Some hope that there will be the life I've always dreamed of waiting for me there? I'm sad that they won't be more than a couple of hours away anymore. And then there's my older daughter, son-in-law, and new granddaughter that are half a world away. I've lost my independence. I've lost my confidence. I've lost hope.

Instead, I cling to fears. Fears for my mother and what lies ahead for her. Two years of unemployment and her resources are drawing to a close. Never have I seen a woman less deserving of what has happened to her. She works with programs to help the homeless. She helps friends and family in their time of need. She always comes through for people. She always places others' needs and wants before hers. She's at church three times a week, singing in the choir, praying, and offering praises. No... mom doesn't deserve this. Oprah needs to step forward and pay off her mortgage. I'd do it if I could.

Those other fears. Fears for my grandmother and her health. Both grandmothers for that matter. One battles breast cancer and the other dementia. Fears for the unknown circumstances that are plaguing my dad. Fears for my daughter and how she'll handle motherhood alone in Hawaii when her husband is at sea. Fears for my other daughter who is incurring student loan debt in uncertain times... who has no place to call home when all of her classmates spend weekends in their old rooms at their parents' house. Fears that I get where I'm going and become so homesick that I can't focus on the future. Fears that the Mitsubishi will bite the dust and I'll be done for. Fears that after kicking a needy husband to the curb, I'll never find someone to hold me at night again (who's needy now?).

Fear that I've made the wrong decision yet again, and it will all come crumbling down. Is it fate or is it chaos? I'm exhausted, and I can't sleep.